


You Don’t Hold Me

by tomarkexists



Category: Blink-182
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-27
Updated: 2013-10-27
Packaged: 2017-12-30 14:57:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1020050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomarkexists/pseuds/tomarkexists
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alcohol.</p><p>Alcohol is my best friend.</p><p>Wait, no. What am I talking about? Tom is my best friend.</p><p>But Tom never comforts me like alcohol does.</p><p>He used to, but it is not enough.</p><p>Yes, alcohol is definitely my best friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Don’t Hold Me

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Drunk by Ed Sheeran (I need to stop writing song fics I know)

Alcohol.

Alcohol is my best friend.

Wait, no. What am I talking about? Tom is my best friend.

But Tom never comforts me like alcohol does.

He used to, but it is not enough.

Yes, alcohol is definitely my best friend.

One swig, two swig, three swig, four. I don’t even know how much beer I have consumed by this point. I just need it in my body, in my system. The warm feeling that spread through me when I drink this special elixir makes me feel happy. Fool me for a second that I am loved. Then when the next morning come, the reality will set in. And I will be drunk again to deal with it. It is a never-ending tortuous cycle.

How long has she left me? A day? A week? A month? A year? How long has it been since I caught her cheating on me with that fucking asshole quarterback from school?

I gave her everything and what did I get in return? A fucking broken heart and a drinking problem.

I shouldn’t be here. I should be on her bed, talking about our dreams and cuddling and feeling loved. I should not be here by myself in this cold house.

I tried to push her out of my mind. I took another swig. My room is littered with empty bottles. Nobody is at home, as per usual. Guess it is just me and my alcohol. I wanted it that way anyway.

I heard a distant sound coming from below. It was the ringing of my door bell. I could not be bothered going downstairs and was about to ignore the person until I heard his voice.

“Mark, come on, open the fucking door!” his incessantly annoying voice reverberated through the house. I knew if I do not open the door, he will keep banging until it drives me insane. He is fucking irritating that way.

I stumbled down the stairs, narrowly missing a step which could have ended disastrous. I swung open the front door to be greeted by my best friend, my only friend.

“DeLonge, I’m not in the mood to suck your dick today,” I was about to shut the door at his face but his hand held the door open.

“Mark, you haven’t talk to me in about a month,” his voice trailed off and I knew he wanted to say ‘ever since your slut girlfriend cheated on your sorry ass’.

“I’ve been busy,” the excuse that I made up fell out of my mouth smoothly.

“Doing what? Its summer vacation,” his eyebrows raised in the very familiar DeLonge fashion.

“Just … argh … what do you want?” I sighed exasperatedly.

“I need to tell you something. Can I come in?” without waiting for my answer, he entered my house and plopped himself on my couch.

“Anybody else home?” he looked around quickly until I shook my head. I quickly scanned his appearance. It has been some time since I last saw him. He looked like he has grown taller, his face sunburnt from the hot California sun but other than that, he still look like the 15 year old dork I befriended a couple of months ago.

“What do you want Thomas?” he usually hated me calling him that, but he ignored it.

“I’m here to check on you. Are you … are you feeling okay?” his voice was dripping with concern.

“What makes you think I am not okay?” it came out harsh, and I could see him flinched.

“Well, you haven’t been returning my calls or texts. You haven’t been to the skate park, or over to my house since … you know …” he looked down at the carpet and began to fidget nervously.

I held my breath, unsure whether to speak in the increasingly awkward silence that engulfed us.

“Mark, when was the last time you left your house, or even your room? When was the last time you took a shower? Or eat a proper meal?” his brown eyes finally locked mine and I tried to look away, but I can’t.

“Tom, why do you fucking care?” I was starting to get angrier by the minute with all the questions he kept throwing at me.

“Because I am your fucking best friend and I should be allow to worry about you!” he stood up, facing me.

“Well, you … you don’t need to. I don’t need your fucking help!” I was starting to get animated, my arms flung everywhere to prove my point.

“Mark, what the fuck are you on about? I want to help you. Let me help you, please?” he begged me.

“Nobody can help me! Do you want to know why?” he took a step back as I started screaming at him. “Because I am a motherfucking major loser! I am going nowhere in life! I don’t deserve anything! I don’t deserve love or … or your stupid fucking friendship! You will leave me just like her!”

Silence drowned the both of us as he tried to take in my words.

“I will never leave you,” his voice turned quiet, soft, gentle.

“Don’t lie, fucker,” I wanted to laugh at him. Laugh at his innocence.

“Look Mark, I need to tell you something,” he came closer to me and touched my arm. I smacked his hand away.

“Well, for the past five minutes you have been screaming at my ears and I just want you to leave now okay. Just fucking le – ” I was interrupted by his crashing lips over mine. I could feel his chapped lips, tasting the saltiness of his skin. He kissed me with such fierce passion that I couldn’t help but gasp. The kiss went for a few short fleeting seconds before I pushed him away.

“What … what the fuck are you doing?”

His face turned red, also shocked at what he just did to me.

“I … I love you Mark. More than I should. I tried to hide this stupid … this stupid fucking feeling but I can’t. I can’t anymore. I love you.” 

This is wrong.

I don’t love him.

_Yes you do._

It is wrong. Two guys cannot love each other. It is forbidden.

But he has always been special to me. I have always loved him, maybe a bit too much …

_You are not good enough for him._

Being drunk and stupid, I did the only thing I knew how to.

“Get out of my house,” I pointed at the door.

“Mark, please …” he grabbed my arm and I pushed him away aggressively, his touch burning my skin.

“Get out of my house you fucking faggot and don’t talk to me again!” I pushed him out of the door. I could see the tears coming out of his soft brown eyes before he started running away. Started running away from me, his only friend.

His enemy.

I slammed the door shut. I could feel my knees weakening and my body crashed into the floor.

_What have I done?_

Fuck!

I just destroyed my only friendship.

I just set it to flames, letting it burn down.

I wish I am fucking sober so that I didn’t hurt him.

I cannot heal this. I cannot change what I just said to him. The mean words that meant nothing will haunt him tonight, I’m sure of it.

He’ll never love me after what I said to him, the hurt in his eyes were engraved in my head.

I will never hold him like I used to.

This thought cut me wide open. I broke down and cried harder than I had for the past month.

All by myself. Again. In this freezing house.

~

_It was a cold night. I could hear the wind rattling my windowsill. My heating was cut off because we couldn’t afford it anymore. I looked down at my arms, at the brown tangle of mess. I was holding him tightly while he cried into my shoulders. He called me an hour ago telling me about his father and he is now with me._

_It took him a while to calm down, while I run my fingers through his hair, trying to give him some comfort._

_“It’s so cold Mark,” I hold him closer. I was freezing too and I needed his warmth._

_I kept thinking to myself, do friends do this? Do they cuddle each other on their beds? Do they feel the need to protect each other from the evils of the world? Do they feel the need to hug each other forever?_

_“Can I stay here for the weekend?” his trembling voice interrupted my train of thought._

_“Sure, I got no plans anyway and I’m sure mom won’t mind,” my breathing turned heavy as it got colder and I could see him wanting to say something. He shook his head gently._

_“Will you leave me?”_

_“Never. Never ever ever…” we hugged each other closer and fell asleep, content._


End file.
